Nobody ever expects to lose a child no matter what age they are at their death. It’s no wonder, then, that a child’s death can be an especially complex loss which challenges the parent on all levels. Here we look at the process of grieving for a child and how to cope with that terrible loss.

Dealing With Emotions

After losing a child, it’s completely normal to experience a wide range of strong emotions. Anger is common, with a sense of unfairness. While anger is only natural, it can drive away loved ones who could offer you the support you so desperately need. Guilt is another powerful emotion which is commonly experienced. Even if it is irrational, parents often wrestle with the idea that they could somehow have stopped their child from dying – after all, shouldn’t a parent protect their child? If there were things that were left unsaid, guilt is another common reaction as well as fear, since you may worry that you are somehow being punished for something you did in the past. Many people feel guilty that they are still alive even though their child is gone, or even guilt that they’re not feeling enough guilt or too much. Loneliness, anxiety, helplessness and sadness are all common too.

Physical Symptoms

Not only does grief manifest itself emotionally, it can also manifest itself physically too. Grieving parents often struggle to focus or concentrate. They become withdrawn or aggressive in some cases, or hyperactive to try to block out the pain. Losing a child is a traumatic event that changes the way you view the world. Your very beliefs are questioned and it’s only normal to struggle to find an answer to the unanswerable questions. Anxiety and depression are common side-effects of loss, and these conditions often produce their own physical symptoms like headaches, weight loss or gain, or digestive disturbances.

Finding Support

When a child dies, it isn’t just the parents who suffer. The whole family will be affected, from siblings to grandparents and from uncles and aunts to cousins. This means that finding support from family members can be difficult since everyone is coping with a loss of their own. Often, couples find that they’re unable to get support from their spouse since each of the pair may be dealing differently with their loss. One parent may feel that the other didn’t care enough because they’re not crying all the time, while the other parent may feel that their partner is making matters worse by lying in bed sobbing all day.

Often, parents hold onto the inner representation of their lost child, imagining them at the age they would be and thinking how they would look and behave. This can raise problems with siblings who feel that they could never live up to their deceased brother or sister.

Loss often affects every element of a relationship, with many couples struggling with physical intimacy since they feel the need to be physically close but also reluctant to re-engage sexually. Despite this, it may be comforting to note that, despite the myth of bereaved couples inevitably divorcing, there is no actual evidence of this.

Grief when a child is lost is so complex that it is vital not to go through it alone and unsupported. Special support groups and counsellors can help parents to get through this especially distressing time and help to offer hope and validation that eventually they will survive the grief journey, coming out at the other side able to continue with life, although never without the presence of the loved one they have lost.